Hello Fire, I'm Rock!

Lead me to the rock that is higher than I. Psalm 61:2

If you have children, this post is dedicated to you. To those of us that are unsure of the futures that await our babies, we have no control. But we do not need to worry, God has it all taken care of and He knows what tomorrow will bring. Still as moms, we naturally question what the future holds for our little ones. Who will they become? Will they be successful? What kind of life does God have in store for them? How will I adjust to the changes that are inevitable when they grow up and begin a life of their own? 

These questions can keep a mom up at night, bring tears at the most ridiculous times, and manifest themselves in frustration and anger. Yes, I am not always the best at filtering my words when I am worried that something isn’t right. Having boys has been an eye opening experience as I have had to endure a few moments of sadness as they begin pulling away from me...slowly, but nonetheless too soon. 

Hunter was always the “chosen” one and being the first born gave him the entitlement that all “grand” children receive. Hunter was a ball of energy the moment he entered this world. God molded and shaped him into the strong-willed but very loving and gentle child that I would hold in my arms for hours, unwilling to face the reality that “this too shall pass.” How could I have known that it would be so hard let go? After all, he was going to marry me when he grew up and move across the street from us. He used to get so angry if Steve would try and show me affection, because I was his mommy and he was unwilling to share. The love he had for me was just what I needed and I could think of nothing else but the joy he brought to my life. 

As a little one, he never took naps, rarely followed my simple directions, and always questioned everything. It seems I was always aggravated with him even if it was just for being inquisitive and smart. Boys will be boys and he was certainly all boy from head to toe. Little ones are not supposed to be so grown up, but he was. At three, it was like talking to a ten year old. I felt a sense of security just being in his presence. He was a mighty force in a small body. No matter what mischievous behavior he would get himself into (like using the last roll of toilet paper to become a mummy), his funny sense of humor and sweet voice always won in the end. If he wanted something, he knew just how to melt my heart (now I call it manipulation) so that I would give in. We spent hours watching The Wizard of Oz, Little Rascals and Barney (over and over). We allowed him to be the little “grown-up” that he wanted to be. Yet, I am struggling to let him be the grown-up I know he needs to be. The struggle is mine because I am not ready for this. He pulls away and I push him away with my constant questioning and meddling in his private life. Clearly I am not winning this tug of war. My good intentions are creating a distance between us that I guess happens with all teenagers and their moms. I am a work in progress trying to embrace such difficult changes. It isn’t easy.

 I try to playback the memories of now and then...to capture a small glimpse of the baby I carried for nine months and with whom I held close to my heart. Now all I get is an aggravated response, argument, or rolling eyes and if I am lucky I may hear, “I love you” when he wants something. Oh yes, these are the days. Oh how I wish I could pull out Pandora's box so I could relive those precious moments again and again. When they are small, the little frustrations have to do with the messes they make or the temper tantrum they perform in Target, or the struggle to get them to wear the clothes we want them to wear. Raising children was never meant for the weak or for those who do not follow God’s instruction. We are reminded in Proverbs to “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.” 

This morning as the boys were getting ready for school, the human in me became frustrated with the little things that really do not matter. Still it rubbed my impatient and “I’m your mom” mentality to the point where I became the mom Hunter does not enjoy. Paul reminds us in 1 Corinthians to “Be imitators of me, as I am of Christ. Now I commend you because you remember me in everything and maintain the traditions even as I delivered them to you. But I want you to understand that the head of every man is Christ, the head of a wife is her husband, and the head of Christ is God.”  

When things line up with God’s will, then you can be assured that everything is going to be okay. So when I didn’t listen to Steve’s good advice on how to handle Hunter this morning, I was trying to place myself in a position that was never meant for me to be in. I wonder how much different I would have handled things and felt if I had taken his advice. 

Our conversation went something like this...

“Hunter, who is calling you this early in the morning?”

“Just a friend mom, don’t worry about it.”

“I am worried about it because I am trying to figure out why you are on the phone when you should be getting ready for school. And just how are you planning to get to school this morning anyway?” 

“Mom, I got it taken care of. Nothing is going on. Stop, please.”

“Don’t tell me to stop, I am your mom and I have a right to ask you questions when I think something is not right. I want to make sure you have a way to school.”

And with a rolling of the eyes and a harsh “goodbye” Hunter is out the door. I’m upset because I feel disrespected. He is upset because I am constantly bothering him and he wants his space so he can be allowed to grow up. I’m trying to slow down this process and he is trying to speed it up. In his mind, he’s probably thinking what I was at 17, “I can’t wait to be out of this house so I can make my own decisions and not have my mom questioning my every move!” This is the dreaded “payback” that we all face when we have children of our own. 

And then I feel like crying but try to hold it back. Then my sadness turns into anger. I’m frustrated, confused, and just plain tired of dealing with teenage drama.

I know I am ready to fall apart. So I stop to reflect on how I handled things, shed some unwanted tears that turns into buckets. Then, my healer shows up. I feel God’s presence. His quick advice gives me wisdom and healing. In a voice that is able to calm the strongest storm, God says, “Hello fire, I’m rock!”  

The floodgates open and I cry. I cry because I immediately understand. I cry because I am sad. I cry but I know that God is my rock and my salvation. It is He that gives me a solid foundation to stand on in the midst of struggle. He is my refuge and my strength. He can raise me up...high above the circumstances I face. He can calm storms of unimaginable magnitudes and at the same put out the fires that I seem to start a lot lately especially with Hunter...if I will ask Him for help.

God is my rock because He is the foundation of everything. He is unmovable and unbreakable. Satan attacks me where he thinks he can win. Where else but my children? Yet I know how this all is going to end...my faith and dependence on God will defeat Satan. When I am struggling and storms are raging in my life...God will be where I seek shelter and immediate protection from my enemies (aka Satan). Whatever schemes that Satan throws my way, I may start the fire; but God will put it out if I will seek Him and at the same time remember, I too was 17 and what a difficult time it can be when you are trying to get a grip on this crazy world and gain a little independence. 

So another day in the life of a mom who is struggling to find peace in the midst of a storm that will be raging for some time (aka kids growing up), I know God is in control and I need to work on not starting fires that can create unnecessary worries. 

So next time, I am faced with a difficult “teenage boy” situation that I am sure will happen before this day ends...I pray that I can remember the introduction that God and I shared this morning. I already knew Him as my Lord and Savior; but sometimes we all need to be reminded of who “we” are so we can reflect on our actions that may be driving wedges between those we love. I do not want to be the “fire” raging in my son’s life but rather a loving mom who accepts Hunter just as he is without trying to change him. I am sure it will not be the last time that God has to remind me that He is who He says He is...my ROCK!