Mom in Mourning...for a season!

Children are a gift from the Lord;

 they are a reward from him. Psalm 127:3

Crazy title, huh? Yet it doesn’t come close to the pain that I experience a few minutes each day when I think about how quickly my boys have grown, especially lately. So many thoughts enter my mind as I try to remember those precious memories of holding my babies close to me. How they comforted me as much as I comforted them. The preparation and plans I made to give them a life full of love. The promise I made to myself and my God that I would raise them to know Him. I feel like I am mourning but I also feel so selfish and unappreciative. How can I feel this way when there are moms that have lost their babies for reasons that I may never fully understand. Or people that so desperately want a baby and despite all efforts, still long for what I already have. To those people, my heart aches and I wish that life didn’t have to be so painful. Forgive my moment of “selfishness” as I pour out my sadness on this blog. No matter the loss…it still hurts to those who love. So for a season, I am a mom in mourning. Hunter is alive and well so don’t panic. Before I am through, I have no doubt that God will direct my path off this “pity party” road I am choosing to travel.

It is Thursday night and for the past month, Hunter has been making preparations for his first prom. I get a bit choked up as I type this. The old saying, “It takes a village to raise a child” is so true, especially when it comes to Hunter. It took nearly 5 people to order his girlfriend’s corsage. His grandma was able to come through for him; since his mom was just too overwhelmed and emotional to do it. I’m so happy for him and I know I should be enjoying these moments because of how special these high school moments are to a young teenager in love. Oh I cannot put into words how much I love this gift from above. These years seem to have gone by so quickly. He is the sweetest and most loving (still) kid God could have ever created. I never deserved this blessing but still God willingly loaned me one of his greatest creations. Hunter will always have my heart and when the time comes for him to leave me, I imagine it will break in a million pieces. Even with the aggravation of the teenage drama, constant change of plans, nonstop request for money, and lack of communication…let’s not forget laziness, I long to hold him in my arms and rock him to sleep.   

Hunter is meant for greatness.  God instilled a determination in him that I hope will serve him well on the journey that he will soon begin. The days of him sitting inches away from me are long gone but I will treasure the many hours we spent together when it was just the two of us (before Peyton). I wish I could have bottled some of that time to help me through the next few years as I struggle to loosen the cord that I feel still connects us. As he continues to grow older, I am struggling more and more with the realization that God’s plan for Hunter’s life is not to live at home with his mommy forever. If only it were that simple. The worrying, crying, loneliness, and sadness that I am starting to feel would not hurt so badly. I have to make myself stop and count my blessings. I have to remember God’s promised and his unfailing love. This is all I have, all I will ever need to see me through this struggle as well as all the other struggles that I will face in this lifetime. 

As I am writing this, God steps in. I hear encouraging words from someone very special to me that knows what I am feeling. Yes, I must remember how lucky I am to be able to hug him and tell him I love him. It is way more than I deserve. Who knows what tomorrow holds and God says to focus on today while trusting in Him? I must enjoy what I have today, which brings to mind what Jesus said in Luke 12:25. “And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?” I have no control over the natural progress of things on this earth and when I worry, I separate myself from God. The plans God has for all of us are not as simple and easy as we want them to be. A few encouraging words, some scripture that comes to mind, a mental note of thankfulness, a quiet “thank you Jesus” and I am overcome with peace. Another scripture comes to mind, “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus” Philippians: 6-7. And just like that, I’m comforted.

My prayer for today…

Dear Lord,

It is amazing how faith in Your timing is perfect. You remind me not to be anxious about tomorrow because Your love, Your grace, Your mighty power is sufficient for me! There will be troubles in this life but relying on You will help me through the troubles that I will face tomorrow. Please forgive my shortcomings and failures. You are my strength and my source of power when my personal feelings get in the way of the plan you have set in motion for me and my family. I ask for protection of my mind and heart and Steve’s so that we can keep our thoughts focused on You and not on things we have no control of. Lord, help me to remember that my worries can turn into trust and faith when I seek You in prayer. Thank you for giving me such a beautiful life, even though I do not always act like I am thankful. Please wrap Your loving arms around both of my babies and protect them from harm all the days of their lives but especially Lord this weekend as Hunter goes to prom. Help him to make decisions that line up with Your will. Please bring him home safely to me for a little while longer on this earth. In Your precious name…AMEN!