Schoolhouse of Life: Memories of a Noble Wife...Maybe

"Like an eagle that stirs up its nest and hovers over its young, that spreads its wings to catch them and carries them aloft."Deuteronomy 32:11

It has been a running joke between Steve and I about the plan (I didn't have) for cleaning the house. So when I was out for a break in February, I told him I would "spring clean" during Spring Break. My friend Brenda and I had a great laugh (Steve didn't laugh so much) because it meant, I wouldn't have to really clean in the corners and closets for another 4 weeks. Then Spring Break arrives and the house (no surprise) was a disaster. The baseball, church, and school events were overwhelming us and taking away from our "recliner" time that we cherish. LOL! Then I get a text from him yesterday. Here is what it said, "Spring Break...u cleaning house...I look forward to it." At first I thought, I have so many things "I" want to do and cleaning this house is not one of them. Sure I need to straighten up; but the serious cleaning could wait a more few days. After all, this is my break. Within a few seconds of that thought running through my head, I get another text. "U will do the right thing", so says Steve Tillery. Who was he kidding? Do the right thing! He surely had lost his mind. For months, he would call on my days off and tease about how clean the house must look since he "knew" I was up cleaning. I wonder how many times he came home disappointed that his hints weren't taken seriously. Living with two boys and a man isn't easy on this OCD wife/mom/teacher. I could use a little help around here. "She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks." Proverbs 31:17

Just ask my best friend's Brenda and Dawn, bless them both because they are always willing to listen to my crying, gripping, complaining, and whining about this and that. I love them both. My other best friend, I dare not mention her name for fear that she will have a heart attack. She made me promise not to talk about her in my blog. I guess I'll know if she is truly reading it now. LOL! Yesterday, Dawn was the victim of my crying spell, bought on by my "spring cleaning." She just listened to me and let me assure you, I was crying hysterically. The best part is that most of my tears were tears of joy rather than crying over times that are long gone. But after a while, if I were Dawn, the crying stuff would have gotten old. There is enough negativity for us to deal with at school without having to hear it at home too; but she offered words of encouragement that helped me embrace the tears. I don't know if I could have been as patient because; lets face it...I was a wreck. I was appreciative to have Dawn in that moment because I was so overwhelmed by the many "treasures" that I kept finding. I just needed someone to cry to. Maybe Dawn should have said what Brenda says sometimes (and I laugh each time), "Put your big girl panties on" and talk about something positive. Yet she didn't. Isn't that amazing that our true friends know just what to say or not to say that will make us feel better? I can count my "true friends" on one hand and those that I count, can be counted on in times of need or to be there to just listen and offer encouragement. That in itself is a blessing.

In thinking about friends and how very special they are to our happiness on earth; I started thinking about the One that allowed His only Son to die, so that you and I could have an eternal life in a world without tears and sadness. We all have times where things just fall a part and it is comforting to know that God is one step ahead of us; weaving the quilt of life to wrap up in and find comfort. Seeking Him in times of saddness, grief, worry, sickness, and pain is just part of being obedient and faithful. Casting our cares on Him is the best therapy that I could ever get on this earth. He knows our needs and He knows the plan. Seeking Him keeps us from needing a back up plan when we fail to follow God's directions. In our weakness, He is strong. In our struggles, He is ready to move mountains. In our trials, God teaches us about forgiveness, healing, and prosperity. What we learn and put into practice in our daily lives will continue to shape our character. Hopefully, others see Jesus living inside of you and me; because our actions and responses to situations that we face daily can bring people closer to God. If not aligned with God's will; it can also lead them away from knowing Jesus. You never know who is watching you or what they are thinking; but God does and He needs us to be willing to "take up our cross" in order to lead others to Him. I want to share the lyrics to a beautiful song that makes you think about the endless possibilities of a must more meaningful life with God at the forefront of our minds and hearts.

"What if your blessings come through rain drops? What if your healing comes through tears? What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know Your near? What if trials of this life are your mercies in disguise?"

It's the hard times that draw us closer to Jesus; but we should want to be near Him no matter the time. We are so fortunate to know Jesus and to know that this earth is our temporary home. We are just "playing house" until Jesus comes back to take us to our eternal home with God and all the loved ones that have gone before us.

Today is about encouragement in all circumstances. "Spring cleaning our minds and our hearts as well as our homes" is necessary so we don't forget what God has done for us and how fortunate we are to have experienced the things in our lives, no matter how small. Don't get too wrapped up in your sad times that you miss the good times. So today, I choose to smile tears of joy for being one of the fortunate ones that had a daddy and knowing that some day I will see my him again. The worries of this life will be no more and I will be able to wrap my arms around my daddy and maybe shoot a few hoops in heaven. I choose to focus on the blessings rather than wallow in my misery. I can't comprehend why things are the way they are; but I can keep my mind clear of the clutter that keeps me from staying focused on the promise I have in Jesus....BY HIS STRIPES I AM HEALED!

Back to my "spring cleaning" adventure. Reluctantly, I decided to be the "noble wife" for once in my 18 years of married life and do what a good wife should do. Proverbs asks, "A noble wife who can find?" I'll tell you where you can find her, running away from all the things that need to be done. Since I had no where to run, I decided to clean the living room since it was mostly my 200 books, those dusty journals I spoke about a few weeks ago and all my school junk that cover the living room area (daily). The dust bunnies were the size of dinosaurs; because my allergies are so bad that within five minutes of wiping off the tv stand, I had red, puffy eyes and my thoat hurt. With my cleaning rag and furniture cleaner in hand, I cleared the shelf completely. Four decorative boxes (honestly I don't even remember where they came from) that seemingly have "stuff" inside, make me curious. I opened the boxes and start to inspect the contents. These boxes have been on the bookshelf, untouched for years except for the quick dusting here and there. They are "just for looks" as my mom used to say. From the looks of this picture, I spent more time looking for treasures and crying about them than I did truly cleaning; because I was up at 4 am. I was still looking at the treasures I had found of the days that have come and gone. "For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also (Matthew 6:21)." As my Papa always said, "crying cleanses the soul" and I can tell you that I cleansed my soul several times and I probably started cleansing yours too! LOL! My heart was in every closet, basket, bin, shelf, that I chose to clean. It was a powerful experience.

Inside the boxes were pictures I hadn't looked at in years. The very first one was of my daddy, the day he and mom dropped me off at Rhinehardt College. As I try to find the memory of that day, I can't seem to play it in slow motion. It's a blur. I remember the excitement of my new found freedom (only short lived) and the endless possibilities of the future ahead of me. Sitting in my messy living room, I began to cry tears so big that I found it difficult to breathe. It just hurt my heart to know that I couldn't rewind it like a movie and watch it all over again. An overwhelming emotion came over me as I continued to flip through the pictures. Then I remembered someone that I have been praying for and the difficult situation they had been facing. I started talking to God, thanking Him for my many blessings. I know how fortunate I am to have enjoyed my daddy for 32 years. He was always there (sometimes when I wished he wasn't because he was determined to keep me on track). Still I found it hard to allow my mind to play clips of life with my daddy, it was just so painful. Even as I type this, tears just flow. My daddy (although sometimes I didn't show it) was my everything. I wanted to make him proud and nothing was more important than for him to be proud of me. I remember the day my brother and I helped my mom bury him (her high school sweetheart). The thoughts that ran though my mind were endless but I remember one particular thought that has been a struggle for me since daddy died. Sitting on the front bench, holding my mom's hand, I questioned myself "Who is going to be proud of me now?" I have to admit, I didn't know God the way I do now or I would have answered my own question. In His perfect timing, I was able to draw closer to God and now I know who can be proud of me. The God that I serve is all knowing, loving, kind, gentle and stern with His promises, much like the father I had on this earth. Daddy knew what he was doing and he led with a determination that would have crumbled an army of 10,000 when it came to his family. I only hope that I have half of that determination when it comes to my children. I ask God daily to direct my steps and to remind me to give my approval to my children when they do well. Yet give me the strength to be stern and unwavering when they make mistakes. "Spare the rod, spoil the child." Some may say I was spoiled no matter how many times I had my tail popped, but I learned some lessons that I know hurt my daddy as much as they hurt me. He was the best daddy any little girl could have asked for. If only I had spent more time with him, told him more often how much I loved him, been more willing to give to him, rather than letting him give to me. He was a giver and never wanted for anything except to make my mom happy. The love between my mom and dad doesn't seem to exist in today's world.

Although I knew my tears were not going away any time soon, I managed to get the bookshelf dusted and organized. Still thinking through the last 18 years with Steve. I remember Steve saying one time, "The pressure to love you like your daddy loved your mom is a lot. I do love you but I am not your daddy." Wow! That was something I hadn't thought of in many years. How did I manage to make Steve feel like he wasn't good enough because he wasn't just like my daddy? For what it is worth, I hope that Steve knows after all these years together that my daddy would be so proud of how him. I'm proud of Steve for so many things; but I am most proud of how he takes care of me; a trait that my daddy held with high esteem among the other things that I am sure made for a long list of "husband/daddy duties" that were important to him. No doubt that daddy has discussed Steve's efforts with God many times. One day, I know that when Steve stands at the throne of God, he will hear these beautiful words, "Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master's happiness!" That is the only approval any of us will ever need.

I decided to move on to the closet that (although organized) needed some attention. I came across one of my favorite pictures of Peyton. He was dressed in camaflouge. His boots nearly swallowed his tiny frame whole. He wore them every day. In fact, as tears continued to flow, I remembered that he used to ride his John Deer Tractor around the house a hundred times (until the battery died) in nothing but his camoflouge boots. NOTHING! Those memories will always be special because they were funny and years I enjoyed the boys being small. I remember being on the back porch talking on the phone as Peyton rides around the house. I realize he is naked. When I asked where his clothes were and why he was naked, he looked at me so innocently and said, "Mommy I have my boots on. I don't need clothes." He sat back down on his tractor and rode away. I want to go back to that moment. I want to look at him so small and innocent and cherish the moment that will never be...again. In a world where so many children are not going to make it to see the next day, we must take these special "spring cleaning" moments to count our blessings. Psalm 113:9 says, "He gives the barren woman a home, making her the joyous mother of children. Praise the Lord!" Even on my most frustarated days with my boys, I pray that God will strengthen me and remind me to, "Be still" and know that what might be too big for me to handle will never be too big for God. He is the rock of my salvation and with Him leading my path, the sadness of "what used to be" will be the memories that will guide me through tomorrow. So many in this world, are not as fortunate.

I move to the other side of the closet and a picture of Hunter makes me immediately smile. Remembering his sweet voice and the determination to do things "his way" brought a rush of precious memories that were almost too much to handle. He used to get so mad at Steve for hugging me. Hunter would say,"Get away daddy, this is my mommy!" Steve would tell him "I love mommy too. She is my wife!" Hunter would get so upset and say, "No, she is mine and I am going to marry her one day and live across the street. I'm never going to leave her." Just typing the memory hurts in a way that only a mother can describe. I carried that baby in my stomach as God shaped him into the strong and confident baby that came out shouting, "Here I am, where's the party!" Thinking how much has changed from that 4 year old that never left my side (unless he was with his grandparents) to the 17 year old that now blesses me with his presence for no more than 5 minutes a day because he wants something is again just so painful. He is quick to grab his food and back to his room, door closed, living the life he was meant to live...fun times and friends. I remember all too well that life. One day, he will know the struggle with pain and happiness that I feel when I look at him. It makes me proud to see the man that he is becoming; but it is painful because Hunter reminds me of the greatest man I ever knew...my daddy. I can only pray that my efforts (while not always right) will keep him close to me when he decides to spread his wings and fly away from me. God knows where he is headed and what his life will be like. My faith in His master plan will help me endure the sad times that lay ahead knowing that one day, Hunter will not be here to make me angry or mess up the kitchen or forget to do his chores or interrupt my tv shows or phone calls. Like the old song says, "Let them be little." It just passes by too quickly. I believe in miracle; because God gave me two of them and when I think my heart can't take one more day of my boys growing up, I have to remind myself that I must seek the Lord and His strength; because I am not going to survive a single day without his continual presence (1 Chronicles 16:11). And so it is with much regret that I am forced to recite over and over in my head, while I still have them under my wing...train our children in the way they should go, that even when they are old...they will not depart (Proverbs 22:6).

So today, I get to enjoy the "spring cleaning" I managed to get through yesterday along with some amazing memories that I had forgotten about and a new scripture to remind me that I will always be there for these boys just as my Father is there for me. "I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my eye upon you" (Psalm 32:8). No matter where my boys go or what they do...I will be watching them every step of the way, like a hawk...wings spread open wide, waiting for them to come back to me.

Some of my treasures that I ran across yesterday...

This bear is another treasure I haven't seen in years (1999). I loved this bear then and it felt amazing to dust her off and put her in my home again. Thank you for being an amazing provider and husband to me and the boys. Most of all, thank you for being the kind of man that makes God say, "I created him in my own image!" You have always known how to make me smile through my tears.

I found a letter that Steve wrote to me in 1999 that listed the10 things he loved about me. I tucked it away the day he wrote it and I haven't pulled it out since. This treasure will only be revealed when I have passed on from this life and my children find it, but I will share one part because it gives me so much comfort in seeing things "life as I know it" change daily. This was #7 on his list.
(You can imagine the tears now, right?)

"I love the way that you put up with some of my ways (because we have only been married about 4 years). We DON'T know each other like you think, yet. There are many things we have still to learn and share and go through. That's what makes a long marriage...great. It's looking back and REMEMBERING the good and the bad knowing we did our best and we are still together."

It wouldn't be right if I didn't share Steve's most recent text from this morning (following my spring cleaning day), "Luv u babe. Thanks for cleaning." You must have some memories locked up in your home just waiting for you to rediscover them. So put on your "big girl panties" and start "spring cleaning". Who knows what treasures you may have forgotten over the years. When you start to cry over those memories...make yourself stop and thank God for the blessings you have now. Every second that passes becomes our past and sometimes you will never know how valuable that moment is until it becomes a memory; stored away for you to find next Spring. Happy Cleaning!