Children are a gift from the Lord;
they are a reward from him. Psalm 127:3
Crazy title, huh? Yet it doesn’t come
close to the pain that I experience a few minutes each day when I think about
how quickly my boys have grown, especially lately. So many thoughts enter my mind
as I try to remember those precious memories of holding my babies close to me.
How they comforted me as much as I comforted them. The preparation and plans I
made to give them a life full of love. The promise I made to myself and my God that
I would raise them to know Him. I feel like I am mourning but I also feel so
selfish and unappreciative. How can I feel this way when there are moms that
have lost their babies for reasons that I may never fully understand. Or people
that so desperately want a baby and despite all efforts, still long for what I
already have. To those people, my heart aches and I wish that life didn’t have
to be so painful. Forgive my moment of “selfishness” as I pour out my sadness on
this blog. No matter the loss…it still hurts to those who love. So for a season,
I am a mom in mourning. Hunter is alive and well so don’t panic. Before I am
through, I have no doubt that God will direct my path off this “pity party”
road I am choosing to travel.
It is Thursday night and for the
past month, Hunter has been making preparations for his first prom. I get a bit
choked up as I type this. The old saying, “It takes a village to raise a child”
is so true, especially when it comes to Hunter. It took nearly 5 people to
order his girlfriend’s corsage. His grandma was able to come through for him; since
his mom was just too overwhelmed and emotional to do it. I’m so happy
for him and I know I should be enjoying these moments because of how special these high
school moments are to a young teenager in love. Oh I cannot put into words how
much I love this gift from above. These years seem to have gone by so quickly. He is the sweetest and most loving (still) kid God could have ever
created. I never deserved this blessing but still God willingly loaned me one
of his greatest creations. Hunter will always have my heart and when the time
comes for him to leave me, I imagine it will break in a million pieces. Even
with the aggravation of the teenage drama, constant change of plans, nonstop
request for money, and lack of communication…let’s not forget laziness, I long
to hold him in my arms and rock him to sleep.
Hunter is meant for greatness. God instilled a determination in him that I
hope will serve him well on the journey that he will soon begin. The days of
him sitting inches away from me are long gone but I will treasure the many
hours we spent together when it was just the two of us (before Peyton). I wish
I could have bottled some of that time to help me through the next few years as
I struggle to loosen the cord that I feel still connects us. As he continues to
grow older, I am struggling more and more with the realization that God’s plan
for Hunter’s life is not to live at home with his mommy forever. If only it
were that simple. The worrying, crying, loneliness, and sadness that I am
starting to feel would not hurt so badly. I have to make myself stop and count
my blessings. I have to remember God’s promised and his unfailing love. This is
all I have, all I will ever need to see me through this struggle as well as all
the other struggles that I will face in this lifetime.
As I am writing this, God steps in.
I hear encouraging words from someone very special to me that knows what I am
feeling. Yes, I must remember how lucky I am to be able to hug him and tell him
I love him. It is way more than I deserve. Who knows what tomorrow holds and
God says to focus on today while trusting in Him? I must enjoy what I have
today, which brings to mind what Jesus said in Luke 12:25. “And which of you by
being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?” I have no control
over the natural progress of things on this earth and when I worry, I separate myself
from God. The plans God has for all of us are not as simple and easy as we want
them to be. A few encouraging words, some scripture that comes to mind, a
mental note of thankfulness, a quiet “thank you Jesus” and I am overcome with
peace. Another scripture comes to mind, “Do not be anxious about anything, but
in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be
made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding,
will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus” Philippians: 6-7. And
just like that, I’m comforted.
My prayer for today…
Dear Lord,
It is amazing how faith in Your
timing is perfect. You remind me not to be anxious about tomorrow because Your
love, Your grace, Your mighty power is sufficient for me! There will be
troubles in this life but relying on You will help me through the troubles that
I will face tomorrow. Please forgive my shortcomings and failures. You are my
strength and my source of power when my personal feelings get in the way of the
plan you have set in motion for me and my family. I ask for protection of my
mind and heart and Steve’s so that we can keep our thoughts focused on You and
not on things we have no control of. Lord, help me to remember that my
worries can turn into trust and faith when I seek You in prayer. Thank you for
giving me such a beautiful life, even though I do not always act like I am thankful. Please
wrap Your loving arms around both of my babies and protect them from harm all
the days of their lives but especially Lord this weekend as Hunter goes to
prom. Help him to make decisions that line up with Your will. Please bring him
home safely to me for a little while longer on this earth. In Your precious
name…AMEN!
