Clarity and Direction

Blogging, ugh! I haven't had the desire or the energy. My words aren't matching up with my usual confident, optimistic and joyful nature. I'm determined to change that...slowly.

I was listening to Steve tell me what had happened earlier that day. I was so busy trying to focus on what he was saying that I didn't even realize that something terrible had happened until it was too late. I became angry. Not at him, but at someone else and the situation that continues to wreak havoc on me and my family. My mind had given way to the destructive nature of the situation and I wanted revenge. I wanted to place blame. I was fed up and I had said things I couldn't take back. Sadly, I didn't want to.

Then I sat in silence for a long time, trying to figure out what to do. Tonight, there is clarity. I have a sense of direction. While discouraged and broken hearted I am accepting what I cannot change. I am no longer going to give into the guilt and sadness. I'm going to live my life in spite of the darkness that looms overhead. I'm going to let God do what he wants with me and this situation. It's not my fight; but it is my heart.

Eight weeks ago, something happened that changed my life. I have counted the days, hours, and sometimes minutes since things haven't been the same. Even worse, I can't fix it. I am powerless. So I cry. Then I get mad. Then I vent to Steve with little regard to how it must feel to be on the receiving end of my tirade. When I'm finished with my temper tantrum, guilt sets in and I feel like a lousy, selfish and bitter person. That's just what this valley has done to me. Correction, that's is just what I have allowed this valley to do to me. I have not been able to put into action the words of my favorite book of the bible written by James. I'm just not finding the joy that I need in this testing of my faith. So there is no perseverance. There is no wisdom. There is only heart break and loss.

I've been praying for God to just tell me what to do. Since I can't fix things, I've been expecting Him to take care of things and quickly. I admit that maybe I've even thought to myself, "Really? I'm still waiting!" God must be shaking his head at my demands. He must be thinking that I'm missing the answers that are clearly in front of me.

Lets face it, I can be the best judge this world has ever seen. I have a need to kick butt and take names when someone hurts me, my family or does something that goes against my own person belief system. I can come to a conclusion about others actions faster than they can finish telling me what they did. It's much easier for me to think of someone else's problems than to accept my own. The conversations I might have with someone else can be nothing short of the "pot calling the kettle black." Yet I am amazingly skilled at making someone else's faults seem so much worse than my own. Bottom line, I am human and without keeping myself I check, I can become a person with little character.

So for 8 weeks, I have been the jury and the judge concerning this change in my life. You better believe I have felt some pretty serious emotions. What I have experienced has not only made me question my ability to remain calm and in control, it has caused me to lash out at the people that I love the most.

Since I am not letting God be in total control, I am behaving like a child who lacks self control. Even worse, my situation has yet to change. No progress has been made. Things have just stalled. My prayers have been difficult and quick. Then I question why I'm not hearing from God. It is a cycle that continues. Let me rephrase that...it is nothing short of stupidity that is allowing this cycle to continue. Until this very moment! Yes, this is a defining moment when I am determined to change my destructive thought process and actions. It won't be easy. I'm an easy target right now for the enemy's schemes but I am a well equipped soldier in the army of The Lord.

For the record, if I were to speak of the situation that I am going through right now, I am confident that most people would be just as angry and just as devastated. After all, it involves one of my most blessed treasures and I need to protect this treasure from harm, but my way isn't working anymore. The game plan has to change.

As I read my nightly devotion, the blinders came off. It made perfect sense. No longer did I feel like I was lost in the wilderness unable to see my way through. It made me think of Paul. Initially a roman soldier and Christian killer, Paul was blinded by a light from heaven on the road to Damascus. I find it fascinating that, Paul (known as Saul of Tarsus at the time) was in the business of killing Christians and he responds to his sudden blindness by saying, "Who are you, Lord?" I would like to think that The Lord said, "No duh you idiot!" but I know better. For three days, Paul could not see. He didn't eat or drink. He was powerless. The Lord had plans for Paul and it included his suffering. Ananias was sent to where Paul was so that he could see again. When Ananias placed his hands on Paul, the bible says, "something like scales fell from his eyes and he could see again". Here was this vicious, evil, murdering Roman soldier changed in an instant, all because it was God's plan.

So I started thinking about my horrible situation. I could continue to do these things...

1. Take my sadness and frustration out on my loved ones.
2. Lash out in anger.
3. Cry, worry and let it consume me.
4. Keep trying to control the outcome

OR

I can trust in The Lord with ALL my heart and lean NOT on my understanding (Proverbs 3:5).

I've been so blind that I have missed the very blessings that surround me through this trial in my life. As a result, I have been unable to value the amazing faith, strength and support from the ONLY man (Steve) that matters to me. I have refused to acknowledge that my ways are not God's ways. Sadly, I haven't been able to appreciate the amazing power of praying "together" with my husband. These moments have been true blessings that have resulted from the difficult circumstances that "we" have been facing. I have not allowed myself to accept change in my life despite the fact that God has something better in the works.

My self-serving attitude has prevented me from drawing closer to God and my loved ones. Thankfully, God has a few encouraging words to say about the troubles we cause/face. These encouraging words will help me make some positive changes towards being the christian/wife/mom/daughter/sister/
friend that God created me to be.

The Lord is close to the broken hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Proverbs 34:18

Good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense. Proverbs 19:11

Have patience, God isn't finished yet. Philippians 1:6

In weakness and pain, the power of the living God is upon me. 1 Corinthians 12:9

Weeping may endure for the night, but joy comes in the morning. Psalm 30:5

Third Grade Common Core Workbook

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Third Grade English Language Arts Standards

Reading: Literature
Reading: Informational Text
Reading: Foundational Skills
Writing
Speaking and Listening
Language

Third Grade Math Standards
Operations and Algebraic Thinking
Number and Operations in Base Ten
Number and Operations – Fractions
Measurement and Data
Geometry